So here’s the thing — I overeat at night. It’s not binging — not that hell that I lived through for a decade. If you’ve had binge eating disorder, you know what I’m talking about and it feels like an out-of-control embarrassing addiction that controls and makes you miserable. I literally thank God at least once a week that I escaped it.

This is not that. It’s just overeating. I struggle to just be “not hungry” anymore and hit “end.” I guess that’s fairly normal but it feels overly mentally taxing for me. For the past five years or so, I’ve mostly just allowed this (overeating) to be okay. And I realize it’s the thing that actually dug me fully out of the bing eating disorder itself.

I would say I consume half or more of my calories in the evening and definitely eat more than my body needs. At one point, I started allowing overeating or eating what I wanted to be okay. Over time, that permission took away the thrill or necessity to binge.

When I recently did the Macros Diet, I really tried not to overeat at night. I wanted to see if this thing would work. And it did but…I started getting overly concerned about food and body. It was good because I started to recognize more what I was actually eating. It was bad, though, because I started getting too focused on the numbers and feeling bad when I didn’t hit them or went over.

Post-macros, I’m still focusing on ensuring I get the right kind of fuel pre & post workout. I want to make sure my body has what it needs to perform the best I can so I can hit some PRs and improve! That’s why I’m glad I did macros. However, my night time overeating is back. It’s not every night but it’s many nights. And I do think it’s a bit of an unhealthy thing, in that I just want to keep eating…but WHY? Still not really sure. Still don’t love that I do it.

However, I’m going to go back to accepting it as a part of my life. I’m not overweight and I generally speaking, I eat pretty healthy. My ice cream consumption is too high — and sometimes I feel like I could eat an entire large pizza myself. I have a big appetite and pretty good metabolism, it seems. But for someone with a history of eating disorders (which honestly, seems like every other woman I meet sometimes), I’m trying to get back to letting a little overeating be okay (again, not binging). Maybe if it’s okay, the desire to do so will decrease.

What I know is this, the minute I deny myself something is the minute it seems impossible to say no. I’m not going to have the “toned” body I want because I refuse to chop down my fat consumption to the point that my body will transform. But that’s okay. Nobody cares but me — and while, I may get a few envious glances or props if I get there — it’s not worth obsessing over it and denying myself peanut butter, guacamole and cheese. You can have these things and get toned, of course, but not much or that often.

And lastly, I never ever ever have a desire to binge eat (or to starve myself as I did when all this ED stuff started). I can say I’m 100% free from it and at many times, I thought that would never be a reality for me.

Maybe giving yourself permission to do the thing you’re not supposed to do will help you stop wanting to do it so much.

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