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My whole life, my stomach has always been something to keep flat — or at least not too mushy. It’s been the bikini’s biggest battle and in those hard years, an obsession of the most debilitating kind. I’ve learned to fill it thoughtfully and without abuse, to enjoy what I put in it and work hard for a strong core that helps me complete power lifting moves better and protect my back.

But it’s never felt so empty as it does right now. I am certain this feeling isn’t nearly as dramatic as it is for women who have suffered miscarriages but it’s a feeling nonetheless. Where something was meant to grow and thrive is nothing but my gut — which is healthy and happy — but meaningless.

I am a woman and my body was meant to have babies. Is it just the world telling me that — or is it an authentic ache from the mother spirit that God gave me? Perhaps a little of both. But I find myself with my hands on my tummy without realizing it from time to time — just thinking about what it would be like to have life inside of me.

The desire for a flat stomach, which many of us have, seems stupid right now. I want the opposite — round and life giving, and all the nausea, discomfort and bodily functions that come with it. I know it won’t be easy — despite the adorable pregnancy photo shoots we see all over Facebook — but I still want it.

Pregnancy Announcements & Money

It’s been a tough week in this department for a couple of reasons. First of all, we are putting down all of our hard earned, meticulously saved cash and finally taking a concrete step into the world of IVF. It’s a long process no matter where you begin. In our case, that was 14 months ago, when we decided not to get a loan for this and save all the money first. Handing over this much money is hard. There’s no guarantee. It’s scary because here I am thinking…what if it never works?

Secondly, I counted at least four friends who announced pregnancies this week. I’m always (truly) genuinely happy for my friends when they become pregnant. But, the stubborn part of me screams…people just get to have babies for FREE? Like, they just “get pregnant” and it’s…FREE? I gave up at-home pregnancy tests long ago. They seem like such a joke.

It’s not fair — I complained to my husband this morning. But, he reminded me — and I knew — how ungrateful it is to say such a thing. So much in this world is not fair and I’ve got it good, really good. The fact that we had the ability to save this much money in one year is a phenomenal blessing and ability that most people don’t have. I am thanking God for that…He provided some extra income specifically for this. It came at the right time and has given us what we need to afford this.

On Faith

My womb is empty but my heart is going on faith. Whether or not this works, God will fulfill my desire to be a Mom and share that with my husband – who wants it just the same as me. Patience is hard, faith is hard, empty wombs are hard. Even the fear of what to expect when the time actually comes. It’s day by day and we will get there.

“Behold the proud, his soul is not upright in him; but the just shall live by his faith.”  — Habbakuk 2:4
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