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Infertility: When you can’t get pregnant. Well, that’s  me and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to blog about it. No time has ever felt right but here it is. It’s not a big secret, anyone close to me knows the deal and I’m usually kind of an open book on my life so I figured blog readers might as well be in on it.

I’ve known for a long time that it would be tough for Rick and I get pregnant. And the reality is — it hasn’t happened, it’s not happening. I feel more than ready to be a Mom — more ready than I’ve ever felt in my life. I swear every woman in Target is pregnant, every woman at the grocery store or walking on the other side of the street. They’re just walking along, all pregnant and taking it for granted.

Well, what do I know? I have no idea what their stories are. And I’m always genuinely happy for friends, family and complete strangers. It’s still hard though, every month hoping and well, not even really hoping anymore, just waiting for the inevitable “time of the month.”

I don’t feel like going into all the details of how EXPENSIVE it is and why we haven’t started fertility treatment yet, etc. (it’s in the works) but let’s just say it’s tough waiting. And it’s tough saving so much money and knowing you might be spending on something that doesn’t even work. Additionally, I have an age complex and a teeeensy bit OCD about my age. I’ll be 33 next week and boy do I cringe saying that.

It’s not that I think 33 is old to become a Mom — it’s the not knowing when I will get to become a Mom that freaks me out.  We really don’t know and that’s what I hate. Yes, I know there are many people reading this that are in worse circumstances, many that wouldn’t be able to save the money for this treatment, many who could be offended that I’m saying a certain age is “old” to become a Mom — but I’m sorry, these are just my feelings right now. Today. My mom had me at 19 and both of my younger sisters have two kids a piece — can you blame me?

I keep trying to add all these details but it’s too much so I’m gonna stick to the simple stuff. This is my struggle — and it’s not that bad. I’m healthy, I’m happy, but I’m longing. Last night, I attended a small group at church for the first time — a group that is specifically for women in this situation. It was a haven to finally have real conversations with people “get it.” Until then, I’d only talked to one other person who struggled with it. I also know, from blog land, that infertility is a problem for A LOT of people.

I haven’t been trying to get pregnant for 10 years, as I know some people have. I don’t think I’ll be totally devastated if I can’t get pregnant…it will just let me know that adoption is God’s plan for my life (although this sure lengthens the process – and we do want to adopt our second child for sure.)  But it’s all up in the air right now and there’s not a whole lot I can do to make it go any faster.

So yes, my life is busy, fulfilling and full of LOVE. I’m married a wonderful man who wants a child just as much as I do and is going to be such a GREAT Dad. All is well — but I do hope that things work out sooner rather than later. I’ve no doubt some of you reading have gone through this, are going through, will go through it. I heard it’s good to get it out there. So that’s that.


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