You may know that I’m a magazine freak. I really love my magazines and have subscriptions to a bajillion of them, mostly for reading on the treadmill (yeah yeah you aren’t supposed to do that but I do get a good workout no matter what anyone says!)

Every month in the healthy mags, they have a profile story about some fit and toned celebrity, how they stay healthy, what they eat, how they exercise, and so on. I’d say I read the magazines more for the other parts — like fitness and diet tips, feature human interest stories, etc. — but I always read the celebrity profiles.

They all have one thing in common. Every celebrity woman has the exact same diet. I swear. Same thing every month — Alicia Silverstone, Rachel Bilson, Maria Menouos, Malin Ackerman and whoever else shows up on the covers. Apparently, all of them eat the following every single day:

Breakfast: egg white omelet with veggies
Lunch: spinach salad with salmon
Dinner: Grilled chicken w/ veggies
Night: Sip (decaf) green tea

Then, they’ll say “Oh but I ‘cheat’ once in awhile — I love to eat a big slice of pizza once a month!” …Seriously? Once a month you eat a big slice of pizza and that’s your “cheat”? And,excuse me, but what is the problem with eating egg yolks? Eggs are so boring without the yolks. For the love, do not neglect the yolks!

I also don’t understand how they make it through day on that little bit of food — or when anyone says 1,200 is a good number to shoot for (um, no.) I might be able to make it through the day on that diet — for one day — if I were immobile. But of course, the celebrities all have fitness regiments to rival Jillian Michaels.

I guess their willpower gets them what they want — thin, toned bodies that look good in bikinis on the cover of Shape. But, I would never be that hungry. And I don’t even want to have that kind of willpower.

If I were a celebrity, I’d be with the Kelly Clarkson’s of the world, cheerful and satisfied because I’m not constantly thinking about how to eat less food. Please don’t misconstrue that to mean I’m saying KC is overweight. I’m just saying she’s not a stick like the rest of them and that’s a good thing for her! (By the way, Kelly Clarkson, if you are reading this, I think we would make really good friends and need to get together for coffee.)

If I were a celebrity, I’d be considered “plus-size” and cast in a category with Christina Hendricks (a category to which I would not belong because she is so insanely gorgeous and amazing-looking.)

In conclusion, the reason I could never be a celebrity is because I simply have to eat yolks with my eggs. And that’s the only reason I’m not famous. You?

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