Here’s the story of me…When I was a little girl (pre-teen years), I never thought much about boys or marriage or weddings at all. I assumed I would get married because that’s what people did. When I turned 16, I became a hopeless romantic and dreamed about the man I would fall in love with. I mean, this is just after Titanic came out and I thought I would find my “Jack.”
Since then, I had crush after crush, relationships, heartbreak and then some — always hoping I’d find the one right guy. But, never in that scenario did I have visions of some perfect wedding day. It always seemed kind of like an after thought — not to mention a lot of work.
I’ve been a bridesmaid in 9 weddings. I’ve always been honored to be a bridesmaid but the whole day is just exhausting. And if it’s exhausting for me…what must it be like for the bride?
For years, I’ve been saying I don’t need a big wedding. I’ve been saying a tiny destination wedding will be just fine — no big, messy details or fuss. In more recent years and months, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t really even want to deal with that.
Maybe it’s because I’m older –– I’m not the 22-year-old bride with some big wedding budget or a lot of time before I need to start thinking about big life things like buying a house and having a family. I mean I’m past the age to start thinking about that stuff — and all that stuff? It costs a lot of money that I don’t have — especially in a city like Washington, DC.
As soon as I got engaged, I started getting the questions — when? where? People telling me they want to be there and make sure I give them enough time to make the trip. As much as I’d like to share that special day with those people that have been so important to me over the years, I just don’t want a wedding.
Me? Plan one of those? I don’t think so. I’m horrible with details and organization. Plus, making such a big fuss seems so beside the point of what we are doing. This is about US — not them. And I guess, it IS about them too — because they have loved me and heard me and hoped for me for so long — but for this relationship, me and Rick, it’s just not the thing for us.
If money were no barrier, and my parents were on board with paying, I might say hey, let’s go for it — at least something small. But, it’s not and I guess that just makes me realize that it’s not what’s important to me. Spending multiple thousands on this whole shebang seems like a complete waste. Would I like to have that moment where my Dad walks me down the aisle? The first dance with my new husband? Sure. But honestly, I think it’s a lot of hullabaloo over something that would just put us in debt.
I want a vacation. A real, tropical, beautiful, relaxing, wonderful vacation. I may have traveled the world and been on a terrible cruise once, but I’ve never had a true blue vacation likes this. Where we can indulge a little and stay in a nice hotel and drink cocktails on the beach and go ziplining on the islands and eat amazing seafood dinners by candle light and do whatever we want all day with no sense of time. I’d rather put the money for a wedding into this glorious week that doesn’t include stress or worrying about pleasing others (and costs a fourth of the price.) It’s about us. And it’s just us. And we can have our marriage ceremony for us — cause that’s who this is about.
I kind of wonder, am I fooling myself? Just letting this whole “don’t want a wedding thing” live because it’s the reality I’m in? I’m not 100% sure. But either way, the wedding is a day. The marriage is forever. And the money we save by not having a big ceremony is an investment in our future.
Thoughts? I’m all ears 🙂
My wife and I often say we wish we had done something simple, like a Justice of the Peace. There were too many dramatics amongst the wedding party, organist, manager of the reception hall, etc. Your perspective is dead on. It's about your *life* together moreso than one huge day. I don't know the stats, but I would venture to say that in many cases the length of a marriage is in inverse proportion to the decadence of the wedding festivities.
We had a small wedding at our church followed by a luncheon in a nearby cafe. We had less than 40 guests, I bought my dress off the rack at a bridal outlet for $150, my husband bought a linen suit that he was able to wear many times after. The entire day was around $1500 and it was perfect for us! You need to do what is right for you. I agree going into debt for a wedding is NOT the way to begin a marriage!
My wife and I often say we wish we had done something simple, like a Justice of the Peace. There were too many dramatics amongst the wedding party, organist, manager of the reception hall, etc. Your perspective is dead on. It's about your *life* together moreso than one huge day. I don't know the stats, but I would venture to say that in many cases the length of a marriage is in inverse proportion to the decadence of the wedding festivities.
We had a small wedding at our church followed by a luncheon in a nearby cafe. We had less than 40 guests, I bought my dress off the rack at a bridal outlet for $150, my husband bought a linen suit that he was able to wear many times after. The entire day was around $1500 and it was perfect for us! You need to do what is right for you. I agree going into debt for a wedding is NOT the way to begin a marriage!
I'm in DC as well, and set to tie the knot in July 2014. My SO has been married before, this is my first. I plan on getting married at the Manhattan Marriage Bureau. I'm not a fan of chaotic crowds or large parties so if I were to have had a wedding it would've been small. My father passed in November 2012, he would have been the only reason for me to even consider having a small wedding. My mother and I have a strained relationship, and I don't care for the extended family at all. If I were to invite all of them, and they actually show, I can almost guarantee it would've be the worst day ever. Not to mention the cost of it all. No sir. City Hall it is.
I'm in DC as well, and set to tie the knot in July 2014. My SO has been married before, this is my first. I plan on getting married at the Manhattan Marriage Bureau. I'm not a fan of chaotic crowds or large parties so if I were to have had a wedding it would've been small. My father passed in November 2012, he would have been the only reason for me to even consider having a small wedding. My mother and I have a strained relationship, and I don't care for the extended family at all. If I were to invite all of them, and they actually show, I can almost guarantee it would've be the worst day ever. Not to mention the cost of it all. No sir. City Hall it is.
I'm in DC as well, and set to tie the knot in July 2014. My SO has been married before, this is my first. I plan on getting married at the Manhattan Marriage Bureau. I'm not a fan of chaotic crowds or large parties so if I were to have had a wedding it would've been small. My father passed in November 2012, he would have been the only reason for me to even consider having a small wedding. My mother and I have a strained relationship, and I don't care for the extended family at all. If I were to invite all of them, and they actually show, I can almost guarantee it would've be the worst day ever. Not to mention the cost of it all. No sir. City Hall it is.
I'm in DC as well, and set to tie the knot in July 2014. My SO has been married before, this is my first. I plan on getting married at the Manhattan Marriage Bureau. I'm not a fan of chaotic crowds or large parties so if I were to have had a wedding it would've been small. My father passed in November 2012, he would have been the only reason for me to even consider having a small wedding. My mother and I have a strained relationship, and I don't care for the extended family at all. If I were to invite all of them, and they actually show, I can almost guarantee it would've be the worst day ever. Not to mention the cost of it all. No sir. City Hall it is.
This is exactly how I am feeling right now! Thanks for making me feel less alone.
This is exactly how I am feeling right now! Thanks for making me feel less alone.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beneficial Blog! I had been simply just debating that there are plenty of screwy results at this issue you now purely replaced my personal belief. Thank you an excellent write-up.…I will be happy if you visit my blog and say something http://twitter-guide-1.blogspot.com/
Im soooooo glad other people feel the same way i do!! No other girl thats close to me agrees or gets it, im only 25, but have been with my Boyfriend for 5 years and have a child i still have NO desire for a wedding, just a romantic get-a-way for US for OUR relationship!
Beautifully said! I am so glad you shared. I was beginning to feel like maybe I was “wrong” feeling the way I do about weddings (exactly like you).
Yeah I’m having the wedding planning blues right now. I think society has turned it way into something it shouldn’t be, because it’s actually more about the union of two people. Which is a beautiful thing. All this material stuff makes me sick. I feel like we’re forced to do if because it’s been done for several years….I just want the union…more than anything.
I’m probably too late too but must say… THANK LORD it isnt just me in the world that feels like this. My points exactly why I dont want a wedding. I wouldnt mind being married to my man because it looks like we most likely will spend the rest of our lives together no matter what. But rather use that money you would have used on that expensive wedding, and use it towards a better life together. Like travel, mortgage and whatever brings joy into ones relationship. I have been to tons of weddings and however wonderful they have been, I never thought it is worth the debt, stress and drama. A tradition that really is all about officially saying who your spouse will be either in front of GOD, the state or both, and taking it too far.
Feel the same I have no choice but to not have a wedding I have no money for it what so ever only.income taxes but I have more important things to use that money on I bought a nice dress for 100$ I assumed I would have a wedding some day but lately I just don’t care about it at all I don’t really have friends or family I don’t even have a father to walk me down the aisle so its honestly a total waste besides I feel like the time came and went its not special anymore I did the courthouse and that’s it .sure I was sad after seeing everyone have and talk about weddings and seeing couples with suits and dress and their entire friends and family at the courthouse it made me sad mostly because of the things u can’t buy like friends and family but I mourned and I’m over it now I have a different way than most and I’m just happy yo have been married its always been us two anyway I promised myself I would never go to a wedding besides my own children just my take
I just had this convo tonight!!!! I said exactly every point you stated! My point was that The wedding is not what defines a relationship … it’s the relationship that defines the marriage! To me I want to continue living my life with the man I’m with, I don’t need to put on a show for everyone! I swear I was feeling like a crazy person tonight.. like not wanting a wedding means I don’t love my fiance… I love him with all my heart, we live together, we bought a home together and the only thing missing is the paper to say yes, this is my husband! if I said I don’t want to get married then yeah… question why I’m with him. but I see how hard he works and it would kill me to see him stress about money… we don’t want debt. but unfortunately in the us, its a norm to spend more than you have. put it on credit cards… um.. why!!? I told my audience tonight that if I had to choose id pick a honey moon over a wedding.. the thought to pick flowers, venue, food, cake, dress for me, all my girls, colors, decore, GUEST LIST, it all makes my heart race, palms sweat and nauseous!!! there’s no such thing as a small wedding… I know we’d offend way too many people with our size family. It’s an expensive day with too many chances for things to go wrong. I’m sure there’s a ton more points I could make… but right now that’s it. lol
hooray to the weddingless peeps!
I don’t even want a traditional wedding. I want it like a party.
Oh my gosh, thank you SO MUCH for writing this post. I got engaged a few months ago and you took the words right out of my mouth. I feel exactly the same. I could go on and on about why traditional weddings and wedding expenses are completely irrational for modern-day couples. I am in my twenties and if my fiance and I took the $5,000-$25,000 we would spend on a wedding and just put it directly in a retirement account we would have so many more happy years together retired! I can’t believe other couples would sacrifice that for one day. There are so many other ways to celebrate your love for one another, and also to give thanks to family and friends that have been there for you over the years. Thanks again for posting, I’m glad to see I’m not alone!!
YES! Thank you for writing this. I am not engaged…yet…but it is coming any day now. I have been with my man for 3 years now and though we knew in the first year that this was it and we were going to be together for the long haul, we’ve just been waiting for our time to come when the finances are right and when we are absolutely 100% certain we are ready for the commitment. That being said, I am in the midst of a ridiculous wedding party with my little sister and fiancé who got engaged after 2 months of being together, neither of them having a job, and neither of them fully recognizing the seriousness of a marriage. As the planning continues to evolve I can’t help but think I just do not want a traditional wedding. That’s not to say I don’t want some kind of small ceremony – with family and close friends… probably not even a wedding party – just a small gathering to swap some vow’s and call it good (followed by some kind of chill cookout/party with more people invited in the evening).
I am just getting SO annoyed with all of the money being spent on stuff that seems like such a waste! Why do you need a $1200 dress that you’re going to wear once and then shove in the back of your closet and never touch again!?
All in all, just THANK YOU for writing this. I am so glad to see I am not the only one who feels this way….so does my boyfriend BTW! Thank God he and I are on the same page and would rather take the money and put it towards a house, or an investment account, and a sweet vacation!!
Same here . I think wedding day is really about the couple …. The couple can get married ritual-wise during their vacation or chosen destination to be officially . I think a few pictures and a short video of this marriage ritual event would suffice . The couple can then share this wonderful news to their family and friends and then maybe have a mini celebration party without all the fuss at their backyard, home, or chosen place to celebrate if they or their loved ones want to /have the energy to celebrate this nice phenomenon .
well, this has been up for years, but well, just got engaged.
I don’t really want to have a wedding, I want a marriage.
But still it is very hard to confront this, specially when he does want to celebrate.
For me it is a difficult matter, first of all, I am a foreigner marrying an American citizen, so that completely makes the party more of his affair than mine, or well more of his family and friends affair than mine.
Also, me getting into the U.S., I won’t have a lot of income, or maybe none at all to organize a party.
Third, I hate parties, I really do.
I really want to marry him, but it is hard for me to accept the idea he does want to celebrate.