Before you skip over this post, please note the reason I posted this pic/commentary below. It’s important for context.

The neurosis has started to flare up. Ahh! Since I decided to start taking this “shaping up” seriously, I’m starting to feel too concerned.

Why did I post that photo above? Because I think it represents too much concern. I see it ALL over Pinterest and don’t think it’s helping. There’s some truth in here but…when is enough enough? My brain is all amuck on this stuff right now. I found the photo after I wrote the following post but consider it when you read:

Click below to read the whole post.

I figured, I’m spending $180/month on Crossfit — which I love — but those short 3 workouts a week aren’t enough and I OWE it to myself to start looking like I’m doing this thing. I have to supplement it with other exercise. That’s normal, because I’m used to 5 day/week workouts but I’m not satisfied with my brainless elliptical or treadmill jogs while reading a mag anymore.

I’ve talked with several people about if they feel like they need to supplement their Crossfit work outs. Most say “no” — in reference to the day of their Crossfit work out. Sometimes, it’s a “no” for me — if we have a really tough WOD. Usually, it’s a “yes.” Today, the WOD was:

  • bench press 
  • 300M row
  • 12 burpees
  • 10 ring rows
  • *Do that circuit three times.

Felt good but the whole thing took 30 min. tops with rests.

My sister made a good point though. She said I am an “endurance athlete” (oh sounds so nice to say athlete) and I need more than just the Crossfit for what I’m used to.

This morning, I went to 5:15am Crossfit then went back home and did 30 minutes elliptical and a 1-mile walk on the treadmill. I felt sufficiently worked out but doing all that — including getting to and from Crossfit back home to my gym takes a full 2 hours. I’d say total I’m getting a 1 hour 15 minute work out — which is great but all that just takes too long.

I’ve decided I need to supplement Crossfit with one-day a week intense arm workouts on my own. It’s really hard for me to make myself do these for some reason. I’ve been feeling guilty for skipping.

As I mentioned last week, I’ve mostly given up drinking. Friday night, however, I did have 3-4 beers — the only “break” I’ll be taking from lent (yeah, I know, shouldn’t have taken any breaks.) I felt so guilty for caving to those 500+ empty calories. What a waste. Plus, I felt blah the next day because of them.

Pile on the irrational guilt — it sucks. One thing I learned way back when with my counselor, Jan, was that if you associate guilt with food/calories or your emotional state is intimately connected with what you consume or how much you exercise, there’s a problem. Houston, we have a problem.

I get to the point where I feel all this guilt. Then, I just try to ignore the guilt and end up going back to bad behaviors or not doing the things I should simply because I’m not doing them perfectly. All or nothing thinking stretching back from my eating disorder days. It will get you every time.

I’ve started to think I will never look the way I envision. Let me stop there and say, my body IS fine the way it is. I don’t think I’m fat by any means. However, I would like to feel accomplished in my strength training and Crossfit by seeing results in the form of muscle definition, flatter abs, nicer thighs, etc. It’s not vanity at all, merely hoping to see a product of my hard work.

However, food. I eat pretty healthy, I think, but something is causing a problem. Do I eat too much? Not enough of the right stuff? Here’s a typical day:

Pre-workout: 1 mini-Clif bar

Post workout: Toast with peanut butter, banana & honey
                      Small glass of OJ
                      2 cups coffee with minimal cream & Stevia

Morning snack: 1 apple
                        Granola bar

Lunch: PB & J on whole wheat
           pineapple slices
           spinach salad with cux, toms, lite dressing
           mini low sodium V-8

Snack: Strawberries
           2 mini candy bars
             Diet Coke

Dinner: 2 servings of a cheesy casserole dish
           Side mashed potatoes

I know my major downfall is dinner because I typically make something unobservent of calories and then have way too much of it. If there is ice cream in the house, it’s rare I can resist (haven’t been buying it at all lately.)

And weekends? Weekends are whole other ball game. It’s like I just freakin’ give up. I allow myself two massive bowls of ice cream. It’s like no moderation, just consumption. It really sabotages the results I’m looking for. But I work out a lot and always feel like it will just “work out.” It’s not just “working out.”

Sure, I maintain my weight and look “good” generally speaking. But I’m trying for something better and it’s not happening.

So here’s what I’m thinking: It’s not exactly “healthy” to have written this long-winded, self-body focused blog post. I’m pretty sure I care just a little too much. But, I don’t want to do Crossfit for no reason. I’m sick of my ours of exercise not leading to the body I would prefer. I’m also sick of the “thinspiration” (even those “strong is the new skinny” posters) that seem impossible to live up to. The visuals are everywhere.

But really, I’m sick of constantly feeling insatiable. I’m sick of never feeling I really have control of this body, the food I put in it, the movement I give it. I’m sickened that I care this much about this superficial thing. I’m going to Africa, I’m working with Back on My Feet, I’m giving back, I’m caring, I’m loving but this…this is still here. From the moment it began that stupid, stupid moment when I was 13 years old. I remember it so clearly, the very second the eating disorder reached around and said “gotcha.” And though I’ve escaped her grips, she still haunts me.

I know it’s just a rough patch. I may have them for the rest of my life. But I’m at a point where I do need to get better control over some of the overindulgence that often plagues my nights and weekends. And get a more rationale handle on exercise. I’m doing something wrong…need to find out what it is.

Does anyone relate? How have you overcome? Ever feel insatiable or out control when it comes to food and exercise? How ’bout all the “thinspiration” on Pinterest?

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