Taking a note from Meghan, I’m talking daycare today. The daycare dilemma has been on my mind since I started thinking about having kids. When I was a kid, I used to listen to Dr. Laura on the radio. She had a firm stance that moms needed to stay home with their kids if at all possible. Realizing that is not possible for everyone, but knowing that for many people, it is…I used to think there would be no question in my mind that I would be a stay-at-home mom. (I still like and respect Dr. Laura but may not be with her 100% on this issue now).
Well, a lot changed since I was a naive 16-year-old — back when I planned on getting married at 20 and having babies right away. I know now that this working mom v. SAHM mom is one of those never ending battles people fight about online. That may never change. Let me clarify here — I am not Team SAHM or Team Working Mom — I’m just Team Mom (the team we are ALL on!).
I don’t judge anyone for their decisions but when it comes to my personal decision, it’s a different story. When it’s me and my kid, it’s much much harder than I ever thought it would be.
Facing Reality
Previously — even as recently as last year — I said, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I believed I would have to have that baby in my arms to know how I felt about working, daycare and all that comes with that territory.
Sure enough, I did need to have that tangible moment. I honestly didn’t think having childcare or using daycare would be that hard for me before. I am a busy person, I like to get things done, I enjoy working and like to be on the go. I thought I would want that time for myself. I had no idea that it would heart wrenching to make the move.
Some people said I’d have no trouble working from with a baby for the first 6 months or more because babies sleep a lot. Others said, there’s no way you’ll be able to get your job done without childcare. I was clueless and figured I’d just wing it and get help when it became necessary. For back up, we had Jacob’s name in at a nearby daycare so we could use it if we needed to.
Working So Far
Since I started back to work at 6 weeks, he really was sleeping a lot and it wasn’t so bad. But a few weeks in, I realized I needed some help. That’s when I got a regular babysitter, whom I’m beginning to utilize more and more. At 4 months, I’m finally starting to feel okay about leaving him with a sitter literally a room away. Even that is difficult on some days. One thing has been clear up until now, though, I’m not ready to drop him off at a daycare with strangers.
The Decision
However, I’m hitting a point where it might be necessary. But it’s a tough call. I have the best situation ever, in that I get to work from home. But it’s not part-time stuff, it’s full time and that really means full-time. It also makes it harder to decide on childcare though. Being that I’m home, I feel like I should utilize every moment I can to be with Jacob — but having him a room away also makes it harder to focus.
I like the idea of a reputable daycare with skilled teachers who will focus on him (and I know baby rooms have few kids since babies need lots of attention.) I also like the idea of someone being in the home watching him so I can be nearby. But I have a fear of him growing to like or love that person (or even the daycare teachers) more than me! Perhaps that is silly and many moms will probably tell me not to worry about it but I can’t help it.
There are days when I am working next to him and I look over for a smile and he lights up. I think to myself — what are you doing? He’s only going to be a baby for so long — why are you working? But then I remember I like working, and I also like having a paycheck — and I like having a balanced life. I don’t think there’s any way to eliminate the guilt when I’m working, especially when I know we could survive without two parents having a job. It would be hard and a real sacrifice were we to go that a route — but I just don’t think we’d be happy that way. Plus — working from home means my time away from him really is minimized and that makes me feel better.
And So…
So what is the point of this post? Just to say I’m at a crossroads and I’m not sure what I’m going to do moving forward. We are about to move to a new house in a new neighborhood so lots of changes are coming. I’m considering the daycare route in 2-3 months but it’s all under prayerful consideration. No matter what I do, I guess the mom guilt is here to stay.
How did you deal with making this decision? Any WAHM moms who were in my situation?
I’m so sorry that you’re in the middle of the crossroads. I hate the feeling, and it is so real. I have been in it since Olivia was born. When I was looking at daycares when I found out I was pregnant, it was a no brainer. I’m a worker! I will work! I signed up for our daycare and went on my merry way knowing it was the right choice. When suddenly Olivia was in my arms and my baby was my baby, I melted. I suddenly no longer felt connected to that career-focused person that I once was. I spent the last 4 months panicking about the right choice. I talked to all my friends and acquaintances with various working/stay at home backgrounds as though someone was going to be able to tell me the “right” thing to do. I was seeking so much approval. The thing that I heard most was that I had to figure out what the “right” thing to do was for our family. After taking Olivia to the daycare on Tuesday and feeling like maybe I was making the wrong decision I prayed about it for a very long time on Tuesday night. I just kept thinking that there’s no way that I can do this and leave her and go back to work. But then I took her again on Wednesday for three hours. Between her napping for 40 minutes, a conversation that I had with my husband, and a few other things, this immense sense of calm came over me. I am still crying about it, but I know that what I’m doing is the right thing. I don’t know how I know, but it suddenly just clicked yesterday. This is what I’m going to do, and it is the right thing for us.
You’ll get to that point. It sounds like you actually are at that point where you know what the right thing is for you and your family but that you want something else to be the right thing. I was there for a period of time too. I will keep you updated with how this transition goes for me, but I’m certain that whatever you choose to do will work out and you’ll come to peace with it. I’ll be thinking about you. We’re in the same shoes.
Thank you Meghan! I really love that we are in the same place and enjoy following your journey as well. I was so glad when you started blogging again 🙂 I love your advice and perspective — it’s very helpful, especially knowing you are struggling with feeling sad about it too. No doubt we will be pros in a few months but the beginning is hard. I’m sure the right thing will work out for me soon. Thanks for the info & your post today!
I work full time, and am lucky to be able to work from home a few days a week. For me, daycare was a must (since there are days I need to be in the office and we needed 5days a week childcare, even if I was able to be home a few days they were never the same like MWF or something like that). So for us daycare is the greatest blessing! My little guy just turned 1 and has been in daycare since he was 11weeks old. First, remember that daycare is not “leaving your child with strangers”. A week in at ours, they already felt like family! It’s about finding the right fit for your and your little one. For us, that was a home daycare where there are about 6 children total. With my job, I’m constantly on conference calls or really needing to give my full attention to work. With my little guy at home that wouldn’t be possible. Also, daycare gives him a routine which has paid off in dividends (esp in the sleep department!! and for me– I can squeeze in a workout at lunch, focus on work so I can focus solely on him when he’s home, run a quick errand, etc.) and socialization with other children. And don’t worry about them loving the daycare people more than you! I’m happy that my little guy gets excited when we pull up to daycare and that he’s having fun there and equally happy when I pick him up at the end of the day and he’s so excited to see me.
So my advice is if you enjoy working, or need to work, don’t be afraid of daycare! Also, if you start and find that it doesn’t feel right nothing is permanent, you can always change providers, reassess your situation, etc., don’t worry about feeling trapped. Hope that helps alleviate some anxiety if you choose to go the daycare route!
THank you so much! That is really helpful feedback and really what I needed to hear. The part about the strangers especially. Makes so much sense. Thank you for your perspective!
Hi! I found this post via Meghan, who linked it on Twitter. I have been back at work full time now, leaving my baby in daycare, for the past 3 months. It is HARD. But me staying at home is not an option for us right now, and I do struggle with wanting to be home with my baby. But we really like the place where she is. I don’t feel like they are strangers. My daughter smiles when I bring her in the room, and the ladies in there tell me that she plays with a few of the other babies too! I know they are only 8 months old, but they talk baby talk to each other and crawl on each other and stuff like that. I’m happy she can have some stimulation in that way from other babies, and I actually do think it is good for babies to learn to be taken care of by people other than their moms. I know some people argue about that, but it’s a good thing! Whatever you do will be the best choice for your family because you are a wonderful mother and just want the best for your baby 🙂 Cheers to you!
Thank you so much Amanda. It is SO nice to hear from other moms in a similar stage. It definitely makes me feel better about doing some kind of group childcare, whether it be daycare or in-home. Thank you so much for letting me know how it’s working for you!