Good morning, friends. My blogging is so sporadic lately but sometimes, I do just want to check in with a good, old-fashioned, life blogging post 🙂
What’s new? Well, I’ve been struggling — with my back of course, but also some depression. Sometimes it feels weird that I write this on a public forum, when anyone I know in the world could read it. And sometimes I think should be more private and keep my mouth shut.
But that doesn’t feel like me. I’m glad that people can relate to me and perhaps someone else can relate to the feeling of depression today. It’s not severe, just a sadness that kind of floats around my head, a gloom that hovers around me — especially at night .
The evenings are just a rough spot for me — every. single. evening. I was just writing in my journal, and telling Rick yesterday, that I feel like two completely separate people during the day. Mornings are full of hope, light, life and motivation. By the time evening hits, I’m drained and not the normal person way. I feel trapped in my own head, unable to escape overwhelming emotions. I feel bad that Rick has to deal with me this way, I really do. It’s paralyzing in a way.
Lately, I’ve been feeling insatiable in the evenings. I want to eat the whole kitchen. Even as I write that, I realize that’s an unhealthy way to frame it. I’m a little terrified of succumbing to a full on binge. It’s been YEARS…years! — since I’ve truly binged. I do not want to get back on that path. But even without binging, I overeat almost every night. The truth? I bought some “light” popcorn so I can eat an entire bag and fulfill my desire to be eating without a million calories. Last night, after dinner, I ate 2 full bags of popcorn! Even if I’m eating air, it’s trying to “fill up” something else in my heart and it doesn’t feel good at the end. It’s not about the food or the calories at all, it’s just a coping mechanism that feels impossible to escape.
Anyway, I’m taking time off even from yoga right now because my back is really acting up. It’s hard to swallow that I can’t do anything. I wish I was glad I had an excuse to “be lazy” but I’m not.
The truth is — I’m feeling like a spoiled brat. I have been keeping up with Kara from Mundane Faithfulness — she’s 38 years old, dying of cancer and writing about it everyday for the rest of us to read. All she wants is more time to be here on earth with her husband and four children — and she’s not going to get that. I’m the one that gets that — the whole rest of my life to have my family and all the wonderful things that life entails. Kara says here:
“I feel like I’m a little girl at a party whose Dad’s asking her to leave early, and I’m throwing a fit. I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to go.”
It’s stuff like this that just turns me completely upside down with emotion. I’ve learned in therapy in the past (seriously need to get back to a therapist these days…), that saying you “should” be one way or another is not helpful. You ARE where you ARE. You can make choices to change but saying “should” is worthless.
The quote I posted at the top of this post is just a reminder to me that even the smallest choices we make to do what’s BEST for us, even when it feels so so so so so hard, can be what really puts on the path something far greater. I write it, but will I do it when the evening comes? I can only keep trying.
Firmoo Glasses
Wanted to share with you my new glasses from Firmoo. I got an email from them recently asking if I’d like to try the glasses out and of course, I was curious. I don’t need glasses so I ordered non-prescription cause you know, glasses are quite the fashion accessory these days! They have all kinds of cool frames — check ’em out!
Last year my back was giving me severe pain. It was ironic that a workout didn’t even start it. I was bending over to pick up,something and then was brought,to my knees with excruciating pain. Last summer I submitted myself to physical therapy and exams which revealed nothing wrong with my back from structural standpoint. Undaunted, I pressed onward with my marathon training and read an interesting book by John sarno called back pain. He had some very interesting models about sciatica pain. Just two weeks ago I broke my own PR in the deadlift with 405lbs. The pain has largely disappeared and I’m 100% guilty of doing little of the exercises my therapists recommended. I am doing squats also and run one marathon per year.
Hang in there Ericka!
I hope I can have your kind of recovery!
I hope you can find a way to work through it. As much as I try to deal with the hard stuff on my own, and most of the time, I do well with it, sometimes you need that therapy to get you out of that dark place.
I do need to find a therapist, they are great. I had a good one and then my insurance changed and she didn’t take it. Time to start looking again for sure…
Sorry to hear that Ericka. I’ve been dealing with the long term degradation of my hip since I was 17 (broke it, then tore up the cartilage). Only the last few years has it gotten so bad that I can’t even walk more than a few blocks without grinding pain. The bottom line is that chronic pain sucks, especially as you get older. Worse still, the longer it persists, the more it becomes a soul-sucking daily enterprise.
That being said, I’ve found that the best thing you can do is maintain. Maintain your health as best you can. Maintain your daily disciplines as best you can. Look into other areas of your life that you’ve always thought about improving on, and then make a concerted effort to follow through with developing those other talents and skills. Maybe work on a project that you’ve haven’t made time for in the past. Whatever! The point is to not focus too much on your chronic pain (even though it’s hard not to). It’s okay to “bring it to the dinner table” from time to time, because you should be able to talk about it with the people you love, but only do it occasionally. If you give it too much space to grow, it could become something nasty and all-consuming in your life.
The last thing I’ll say is that no matter how temporary your chronic pain or issues are, they are your reality now. You can’t escape them and it’s unhelpful to focus on how your life will be better in the future, when they’ve been resolved. Focus on how your life can be better now, EVEN WITH the chronic pain. Being honest about your reality can only help you in the long run.
I could go on but I won’t. Stay strong. Stay positive. And, stay focused. You are the architect of your own reality, even if you don’t always choose the building materials!
Thanks Matt 🙂 I’m beginning to be more accepting of it at this point. Heading to the PT/chiro on Monday finally to take a look. I’m sorry you are dealing with it too. You make some very good points to keep in mind.
Oh, Ericka, I am so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I don’t know what God is trying to tell you through this, but it’s definitely something. I had a very similar situation when I lived in Vietnam. The days were bright and sunny mood wise, I could take on anything and then night would fall and I would get paralyzed with anxiety. I had the opposite problem of not wanting to eat at all, just go to bed. I think wanting to eat would be better because at least you’re getting nutrients. Sending prayers your wary.
Thinking of you, friend. I started off this year incredibly depressed but just kept fighting for my own happiness every single day and am in a much better place now. Always here to listen <3