I woke up at 2am on Friday night and started having a panic attack. My back was in awful pain again, this time because I decided I could handle some light overhead squats at that morning’s CrossFit class.
I was panicking because I thought maybe I did something long-term to myself — that would require another surgery or interfere with other important things. I started freaking out, in the dark, in the middle of the night where I could just roll to one side of the bed and push myself up to get a sip of water. It was awful.
I had back surgery in early 2014 — and I thought I was “fixed.” After almost a year of pain-free CrossFitting, something snapped about a month ago. I was hoping it was temporary, that things would just get back to normal. It doesn’t seem to be the case.
Thankfully, my spine is okay. I got an MRI and all is A-OK. Whatever it is — and I’m not sure — it’s not getting better by going back to the box.
I have started swimming again and got an unlimited membership to Mind the Mat. Hot yoga has become my new best friend — especially in this winter hell.
Things start feeling better and I think I can maybe, sort of , hopefully, kind of handle a WOD.
Then, my body says, “no thank you.” Actually, it says “No freaking way.”
Just Stop It
I can’t keep going back there and hurting my back. For clarity’s sake, it’s not CrossFit that hurts it, it’s the powerlifting stuff that I do there and my back just can’t deal with it. The stuff I love, the weights that make me happy and strong. But, they’re hurting me and I’m not listening to my body — something I’ve always been a huge advocate of.
It’s hard to explain how having to give up CrossFit — again — is such a sad loss for me. It’s hard for anyone to really understand because it’s a super first-world problem and because hey, it’s just exercise, right? In a way, it kind of feels like a great friend I have stop hanging out with — or even like a boyfriend I have to break up with! I know how silly it sounds but I’m just being honest.
I can still do all kinds of other things, even with a back that isn’t so great — and I’m thankful for that. I am SO thankful for that! (Must keep remind myself though!)
The Thing About CrossFit
But here’s the thing…I walk into the box on a Saturday morning. The music is blaring, the sweat is steaming over everything, there’s a happy, productive, ambitious energy coursing through the room. People are pushing themselves, others are cheering them on, we’re all being the very best physically we know how to be. It’s contagious, it’s empowering, it’s community, I’m just plain old happy to be there.
I squatted more than I ever squatted before. I climbed the rope five times in a row. I did 5 kipping pull ups without stopping. I did box jumps on the ’24 inch box and strung together all of my toes to bar. I PR’d a deadlift and did 50 double unders without skipping a beat. I got stronger. I got more confident. I stopped caring about calories and cardio. I wanted to be strong — not skinny! I wanted to PR a WOD, not burn 1,000 calories. I ate to fuel my muscles and perform my best, not eat as little as possible so I could burn as much as possible.
Fitness changed for me when I started doing CrossFit — life changed in a way I never expected. I know that CrossFit is just the vehicle I used to change my life, I don’t need it to continue thinking in this healthy way, but it sucks. I’m not best friends with the people at my box like some CF gyms. I don’t really hang out with them on the weekends or anything, but they are my familiar, they are comfortable, they make me happy to be around them. I can’t just go in and “hang out” and get the same feeling.
When Fitness Becomes Part of Who You Are
I let CrossFit become part of who I am. And that’s not bad but it can feel really hard to tear yourself away from. But, fitness isn’t going anywhere in my life. I just got asked to audition to become a barre instructor at a new studio (we’ll see!) and I have inklings of someday become a certified yoga instructor. Never thought that would be the case but it’s where my body is leading me at this point.
I don’t like to be half-hearted about fitness…because then it’s boring and required. I like to be passionate and inspired and educated. So, I will move on to the next thing and continue finding my strong wherever that is for now. Maybe the change is what I need — and I don’t know, not just physically but mentally as well. Maybe I’m going to learn something about my body that’s going to me that much better later.
And so far, it looks like I can still run — not full on marathon training — but I can get back to my original fitness love. I kind of miss those power endorphins sometimes too 🙂
I will miss my barbells and kettlebells for now, but hopefully someday they’ll be waiting for me when I am better.
Have you ever had to give up an activity you loved? How did you deal with it? Any advice for me?
I’ve been pretty fortunate that I haven’t had to deal with many big injuries but even just being sick or slightly injured is SO hard! It’s hard to stay away from something that is “good” for you (even if it’s not good for you in your current state) that you love! Hang in there, Ericka!
Thanks Liz…I appreciate it. It’s good that I”m tuning into yoga now — for my mind and my body!
Sorry this happened to you. Will you continue to strength train? You’ve made such great progress. Keep up the good work!
Thank you! Yes, I will be doing some but not as much. It’s really hard for me to stay motivated with strength training when I’m not going to CF unfortunately.
Have you heard of functional fitness? Many consider it superior to CF. I’ve really enjoyed it. Some of the keywords/gadgets to search for would be TRX, Jacobs Ladder, Power Plate, Kettlebells, etc. You’d really enjoy it and continue to see excellent results. Looks like Elevate Interval Fitness (http://www.elevateintervalfitness.com ) is reputable. Please consider. GL!
ahhh I hated cardio with a burning passion. then I got hurt (life. only I could get hurt sleeping :-)) and couldnt do any for months on end. Ive slowly returned to different cardio and now frame it as HOW LUCKY AM I THAT I CAN DO ANY??. xoxoxoxo to you.
That’s true…I know I have to count my blessings more often! I debated even writing this post because it felt so whiny but… good to get it out I guess!
I love this post Ericka. In fact, I may blog about something similar. Your back issues are like my whole freaking body issues. Fitness is my life–literally–and I can’t put into words how much CF has changed me, pushed me, made me feel alive, unstoppable, strong, you name it. But right now, my knee aches. I’m getting over plantar fasciitis. One shoulder has a labrum tear and the other has rotator cuff issues. I only “wod” about 3 days a week (I follow a powerlifting program for the majority of my training) but I can’t stop hitting the box for my fix. Sometimes I think my body is just older or maybe I push a little harder than I should. But man! I can’t help it when I get in that atmosphere!
Thanks for your comment, Steph. It is nice to hear from someone who relates — really! I hope you are able to get back to normal soon too…
I often wonder what I would do if I had to give up peanut butter or milk products, both which I love. It would be hard, but if my health depended on it, I would stop eating them.
I don’t particularly enjoy jogging, but I have done it for years because it reduces stress levels and helps my endurance, in general. Since I discovered that I have arthritis in my hip, I no longer run. I still try, but it is many times too painful. Now, I ride my bike more.
Think about WHY you love CF, Ericka. There are other ways to make your body strong and to look good. So many times in life we have to change our expectations and make new goals, whether it be fitness, food, fun, relationships or work. It will be part of your testimony to say that you were an avid Cross Fitter, but now you are doing something else.
Truthfully, just fill that gap. Having children will do the trick; they fill gaps that you didn’t even know you had. :0) .