My whole life, my stomach has always been something to keep flat — or at least not too mushy. It’s been the bikini’s biggest battle and in those hard years, an obsession of the most debilitating kind. I’ve learned to fill it thoughtfully and without abuse, to enjoy what I put in it and work hard for a strong core that helps me complete power lifting moves better and protect my back.
But it’s never felt so empty as it does right now. I am certain this feeling isn’t nearly as dramatic as it is for women who have suffered miscarriages but it’s a feeling nonetheless. Where something was meant to grow and thrive is nothing but my gut — which is healthy and happy — but meaningless.
I am a woman and my body was meant to have babies. Is it just the world telling me that — or is it an authentic ache from the mother spirit that God gave me? Perhaps a little of both. But I find myself with my hands on my tummy without realizing it from time to time — just thinking about what it would be like to have life inside of me.
The desire for a flat stomach, which many of us have, seems stupid right now. I want the opposite — round and life giving, and all the nausea, discomfort and bodily functions that come with it. I know it won’t be easy — despite the adorable pregnancy photo shoots we see all over Facebook — but I still want it.
Pregnancy Announcements & Money
It’s been a tough week in this department for a couple of reasons. First of all, we are putting down all of our hard earned, meticulously saved cash and finally taking a concrete step into the world of IVF. It’s a long process no matter where you begin. In our case, that was 14 months ago, when we decided not to get a loan for this and save all the money first. Handing over this much money is hard. There’s no guarantee. It’s scary because here I am thinking…what if it never works?
Secondly, I counted at least four friends who announced pregnancies this week. I’m always (truly) genuinely happy for my friends when they become pregnant. But, the stubborn part of me screams…people just get to have babies for FREE? Like, they just “get pregnant” and it’s…FREE? I gave up at-home pregnancy tests long ago. They seem like such a joke.
It’s not fair — I complained to my husband this morning. But, he reminded me — and I knew — how ungrateful it is to say such a thing. So much in this world is not fair and I’ve got it good, really good. The fact that we had the ability to save this much money in one year is a phenomenal blessing and ability that most people don’t have. I am thanking God for that…He provided some extra income specifically for this. It came at the right time and has given us what we need to afford this.
On Faith
My womb is empty but my heart is going on faith. Whether or not this works, God will fulfill my desire to be a Mom and share that with my husband – who wants it just the same as me. Patience is hard, faith is hard, empty wombs are hard. Even the fear of what to expect when the time actually comes. It’s day by day and we will get there.
((((nothing to add but hugs and gratitude for your raw honest writing))))
thanks 🙂 xo
oh friend… I’m sitting here in tears over this post. I have been where you are so many time… and still feel that way. I’m praying for IVF. I am praying that you have a sweet baby to hold ASAP. If you ever need to chat, please let’s do!! I feel you….
thanks Brittany…I have gained strength from others who I know have been through the same thing. I appreciate it so much.And I’m also praying for you….thankful you have your beautiful boy but also that God will bless you with the gift of pregnancy too.
i’m here for you. please let me know if you want to talk. xoxo
Thanks Linz…yours was the first post I ever read about another person struggling with this and part of what made me realize I should write about it on the blog. I love all your photos of William on Instagram! 🙂 Thank you for being supportive here.
I got goosebumps reading this. We had a similar story, although we never went down the IVF road, but it took 2 years of trying for both girls and I remember so well the pain of other people getting pregnant. It’s really hard to understand what infertility is like without experiencing it personally… there were so many well meaning comments that felt hurtful. Anyways, know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers!
Thanks Laura…I remember reading about your struggles before your last daughter was born. I know you understand the feelings, appreciate your kind words 🙂
Just praying for you Ericka. Infertility is beyond painful.
thank you Kristina 🙂
What a beautifully written, heartfelt, and honest post. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel, but I am in awe of how you put your struggles out there for us all to read. I will keep you in my prayers and I just KNOW good things will come your way. <3 xo
I appreciate your thoughts and prayers!
It’s a hard road to walk and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thank you for sharing. I think one of the hardest parts of infertility (after the obvious of not being pregnant) is that you are so alone during it. Unless someone has walked the path, they just don’t understand. But if no one talks about it, you don’t even know who has been through it and can hold your hand as you go through. Sending thoughts your way as you take this next step.
thank you so much <3. It really means a lot to me…thank you.
Ericka you are such a strong and caring women. My prayers and thoughts are with you during this extremely hard time.