Infertility: When you can’t get pregnant. Well, that’s me and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to blog about it. No time has ever felt right but here it is. It’s not a big secret, anyone close to me knows the deal and I’m usually kind of an open book on my life so I figured blog readers might as well be in on it.
I’ve known for a long time that it would be tough for Rick and I get pregnant. And the reality is — it hasn’t happened, it’s not happening. I feel more than ready to be a Mom — more ready than I’ve ever felt in my life. I swear every woman in Target is pregnant, every woman at the grocery store or walking on the other side of the street. They’re just walking along, all pregnant and taking it for granted.
Well, what do I know? I have no idea what their stories are. And I’m always genuinely happy for friends, family and complete strangers. It’s still hard though, every month hoping and well, not even really hoping anymore, just waiting for the inevitable “time of the month.”
I don’t feel like going into all the details of how EXPENSIVE it is and why we haven’t started fertility treatment yet, etc. (it’s in the works) but let’s just say it’s tough waiting. And it’s tough saving so much money and knowing you might be spending on something that doesn’t even work. Additionally, I have an age complex and a teeeensy bit OCD about my age. I’ll be 33 next week and boy do I cringe saying that.
It’s not that I think 33 is old to become a Mom — it’s the not knowing when I will get to become a Mom that freaks me out. We really don’t know and that’s what I hate. Yes, I know there are many people reading this that are in worse circumstances, many that wouldn’t be able to save the money for this treatment, many who could be offended that I’m saying a certain age is “old” to become a Mom — but I’m sorry, these are just my feelings right now. Today. My mom had me at 19 and both of my younger sisters have two kids a piece — can you blame me?
I keep trying to add all these details but it’s too much so I’m gonna stick to the simple stuff. This is my struggle — and it’s not that bad. I’m healthy, I’m happy, but I’m longing. Last night, I attended a small group at church for the first time — a group that is specifically for women in this situation. It was a haven to finally have real conversations with people “get it.” Until then, I’d only talked to one other person who struggled with it. I also know, from blog land, that infertility is a problem for A LOT of people.
I haven’t been trying to get pregnant for 10 years, as I know some people have. I don’t think I’ll be totally devastated if I can’t get pregnant…it will just let me know that adoption is God’s plan for my life (although this sure lengthens the process – and we do want to adopt our second child for sure.) But it’s all up in the air right now and there’s not a whole lot I can do to make it go any faster.
So yes, my life is busy, fulfilling and full of LOVE. I’m married a wonderful man who wants a child just as much as I do and is going to be such a GREAT Dad. All is well — but I do hope that things work out sooner rather than later. I’ve no doubt some of you reading have gone through this, are going through, will go through it. I heard it’s good to get it out there. So that’s that.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be incredibly difficult. I’ve had good friends go through it and I had my share of miscarriages, so I understand on some level. I know you’ll get there and I hope it is sooner rather than later, too.
Thank you, I appreciate it 🙂
sending you hugs. i’ve been in a similar situation and the waiting and not knowing is the worst part. if you ever need to chat/vent/rant, i’m happy to listen xo
thanks Lindsay! Seeing you and others having been through and been successful is very hopeful for me.
Hugs to you. I can understand to an extent what you are going through and what you are feeling. I had my son through in vitro and it was a long and emotional journey. When there is a will, there is a way. And you will find your way to be a Mom.
Thanks so much. I love your last line…means a lot.
You are very welcome. When I was trying to get pregnant people would often ask when I was going to have kids. How I hated that question. Sometimes I would give a generic response and sometimes I would say the truth. If I did say the truth I would sometimes it get told “If it is meant to be, it’s meant to be.” I can’t even describe how much I hated that response. I don’t believe that for one minute. Everyone deserves to be a parent if they want to be. The road to becoming a parent might not be the traditional road but you will get there because you choose to to travel the road that will get you there.
If you are interested, I blogged about my journey to becoming a Mom. http://www.theeverydaywarrior.com/2011/05/08/brennens-story-part-1/
Thank you Betsy, I will definitely check out your post.
Hugs! I’m sure the waiting is so painful. Some of my friends have found help through infertility groups. Many of the women through the years have eventually conceived, and now they’re in mom groups together. Those are some very special and much appreciated babies!!
Thank you 🙂 I hope that is what my future holds — I’m sure it does in one way or another!
Hugs from Colorado! I definitely know what you mean about EVERYONE being pregnant… and here I am not even having met the right guy yet 🙂 It will come in time for me and I know it will for you too!
Thanks. I always used to feel similarly about getting married — and that worked out great so, I know it’s just hard waiting. Best to you!
Hugs girlie hang in there! I’m about to be 34 and still haven’t solidified my 100% okayness with having a child – I want to adopt! My mom had me at 36 so I haven’t ever been in a rush BUT time flies man!
Thanks Kat. I know we are all in such different places I appreciate your support and encouragement!
Praying for you friend!!!
Thanks 🙂
Sending love and happy thoughts your way! <3
<3 Ericka, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are so brave for sharing! Though I am not trying for a baby yet (because of my life situations), I feel that longing too, just in a different way! I will keep you in my thoughts! You're going to be an amazing mom, however it happens!! 🙂
Thanks Liz! I have always sort of had it but it’s intensified a lot lately. I appreciate your words!
Oh honey I so feel your pain! Even though we have an amazing three year old we’ve been struggling with infertility for the last year now while trying to conceive our second. I’ve suffered two miscarriages and spent $$$ trying to figure out what’s wrong. I was recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism only after trusting my gut and going to a naturopath. Thinking and praying for you that you will soon have a little bun in the oven! And if you need to vent or chat feel free to message me! I know how frustrating and isolating it can be at times 🙂
Thanks Giselle, appreciate it. I’ve noted on your blog that you’ve been struggling with this so I really appreciate you saying that. Yes, your little guy is adorable! Thanks so much for the comment, means a lot knowing people are there!
Ericka, my younger brother and his wife got married in 1994, at ages 24 and 22. They were the 4th of my 10 siblings to wed. Over the years they tried to have a baby, and by the time 23 total grandkids were born to 7 of my siblings, they had given up and were content to be the DINK aunt and uncle who babysat when needed. Medically, they were told, there was almost no chance of conception. Then, in October of 2012, by the Grace of God, after 18 years of marriage, when they had relaxed and stopped trying, my youngest niece Anna was born to them. She is an amazing little girl. Her mommy and Daddy are ages 44 and 42 now, and that little girl is the joy their lives. All this to say, never give up. Trust in God’s providence. I did not marry until age 48, so I never had a child. But I have two precious stepdaughters, and I love the like my own!
Thanks Donna…there are so many stories out there and I can learn from all of them. I appreciate your encouragement 🙂
I’m really sorry you are going through this. Sending much love and good thoughts your way.
Thank you Dawn 🙂
Sorry to hear this, Ericka. Hope things turn out the way you’d like; GL!
Thank you 🙂
So much of living with infertility is owning the journey. Erikca, sharing your raw feelings about this on your blog takes a lot of courage. We never know how telling our story will impact others. Dannielle (Shiloh)
I wish we had talked more at the summit! We’ve been trying for 5 years and it’s a painful struggle. But there is also a sweetness in fellowship with God and other women that has come with it. Love Ya girl and I’m here if you wanna talk or commiserate about all the pregnant ladies! lol
Megan…just now seeing this comment. Thanks 🙂 Yeah…all t he pregnant ladies.. ha ha. So true. I appreciate your kind words and did immediately feel drawn to you when you mentioned infertility at the Summit! I will be praying for you…thanks for your support!