Every time I write about something politically related lately, it just feels dead. I want to write — I pine for writing — but can’t seem to put my finger on what it is that is trying to get out. I feel this passion to communicate but the message seems stuck in my throat.
The same goes for my career and goals for the future. What is it that I’m called to do? The Imposter Syndrome has been heavy lately. Every time I do something, the negative thoughts pop in: “Why do you even try? You aren’t smart enough. You’ve just been skating by all this time. Soon, you’ll be working at McDonalds.”
My therapist would tell you, those are irrational thoughts. I know they are but they still feel real.
Earlier this week, I asked friends on my Facebook page, “Do you have a job you truly love? If so, tell me why.” I was just searching to hear from people who are in a vocation they absolutely love. What does that look like? I felt like I knew of very few people who were just in love with their jobs. The answers I got were fabulous. You can take a look here if you want. I’m so happy for my friends who have found jobs that are fulfilling and perfect for them.
The truth is, I enjoy the kind of work that I do but feel pulled in a direction that I can’t identify. I listen to so many podcasts about entrepreneurs and successful women who have climbed the corporate ladder. As much as being an entreprenuer sounds cool, that’s not for me. I don’t have any idea what I would do! And climbing the corporate ladder is somewhat appealing, but with a little kiddo and no desire to work late nights from an office, that seems out of the picture. Not to mention the voice in the back of my head that tells me I’m not smart enough to ever do that.
I am reminded by my therapist — and my husband — that I’m not supposed to find my fulfillment in life from my work. In fact, we will never be fully fulfilled in this life because, as C.S. Lewis says, we were made for another life — the one that comes next, in which we will be fulfilled. But for now, I’m here and still feel a sense of restlessness. And I really don’t know what to do.
It’s not necessarily about my full-time job. It could be more about what I’m doing outside of that. I only have one child and I do work from home so I could be blazing trails on other pursuits in my free time. The question is, what pursuits? I feel called to work in the industry of faith and politics but can’t see how it will work or where to begin. I feel called to write but I’m not sure where to start or what I want to say. I see better writers than I and bigger names than mine writing great stuff and it makes me feel stunted and discouraged.
Yesterday on my favorite podcast, “The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey,” they talked about this very thing. First of all, they discussed the quote, “Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.” Perhaps this inkling of inspiration to work in faith and politics is just a very beginning. They also talked about how just because someone else is already doing something doesn’t mean there’s not room for you. Your voice, your experience, your friends & community may not read these other people and no one else can say something in the same you can because each of our lives brings it’s own perspective.
I’m a hard worker, have ambition and am generally very pro-active. Right now I want more than anything to be pro-active but simply can’t see what actions I should take. It’s very frustrating and so what do I do? I write about it on here. Sometimes the thought process can bring clarity. I’m not feeling super clear as I end this post but at least I got it out there.