In Physical Pain

I have prided myself in the past few years for truly appreciating a healthy body. Since I’ve dealt with many back issues, including back surgery, sciatica, injuries and the like…everyday I can run and CrossFit, I remind myself how lucky I am.

One week ago, my body rejected me. It’s not that serious. I’m fine. I’m not dying. But I’ve had acute pain for a full week now — a constant pain in my leg that will not cease. My leg is weak and aching, throbbing throughout the night and literally NO pain meds work. Nothing. I’ve tried about 5 things and because it’s a nerve thing, I’m told, they just can’t get to it.

So the only thing that has helped at all is drinking and well, lemme tell ya, drinking 24 hours a day isn’t gonna work for me. And honestly, it doesn’t even help that much.

I don’t know what happened. It might have been that I got on a running kick and ran 14 miles in one week (no serious feat) but I ran faster than normal and I really don’t run much lately. It was too much, too soon. I did my usual CrossFit class the next day (not any power lifting or anything, it was like mostly body weight) and something felt wrong so I just stopped in the middle of class. Still, I thought…I just need a few days off.

The next morning, I was playing with Jacob on the floor. I stood up and in that moment, something shifted. Something went from where it was supposed to be to right on the nerve that runs down the right side of my body. And that was a week ago. I’ve been to the 24-hour care clinic, the ER, the chiropractor and I’m now awaiting approval to get an MRI…and I’m guessing, I might have to have surgery again.

I don’t know, maybe I’m jumping the gun but even the last time I had surgery, the pain wasn’t this constant, acute with zero relief. I’m desperate. I know it’s only been a week but a week feels like a year when you are in pain.

I have no point in writing this except that I need to do SOMETHING. I’m trying to get through working and being productive but I’m struggling — and certainly on fun to be around. My husband has been a saint — he really has…hasn’t once got annoyed at me. Now that’s a saint.

And of course I have anxiety about not being able to move, wanting to emotionally eat, having no mental motivation or focus for work because it hurts and hurts. I don’t know how people live with chronic pain. I can see how easily people could get addicted to pain medications. I’m not worried that will happen to me (I mean, the medicine isn’t even working) but it’s certainly given me an appreciation for those who live with it day in and day out with no end in sight.

There are other things too that are on my mind, that this could screw up or whatever. But I’m reminding myself that God’s writing my story and I’m not in control. This is a minor setback, a blip on the radar but when you are in it…it feels harder. And it’s okay to feel like it’s hard and to struggle. I don’t have to compare my problems to someone else’s or feel guilty for having a hard time right now.

So that’s all for now. Praying this gets solved soon…wishing I didn’t have bad back genetics or that all I really loved to do was yoga and swimming. I’ve been told this back thing is genetic…but no on really knows all the ins and outs. Here’s to feeling better soon.