Good morning, friends. My blogging is so sporadic lately but sometimes, I do just want to check in with a good, old-fashioned, life blogging post 🙂
What’s new? Well, I’ve been struggling — with my back of course, but also some depression. Sometimes it feels weird that I write this on a public forum, when anyone I know in the world could read it. And sometimes I think should be more private and keep my mouth shut.
But that doesn’t feel like me. I’m glad that people can relate to me and perhaps someone else can relate to the feeling of depression today. It’s not severe, just a sadness that kind of floats around my head, a gloom that hovers around me — especially at night .
The evenings are just a rough spot for me — every. single. evening. I was just writing in my journal, and telling Rick yesterday, that I feel like two completely separate people during the day. Mornings are full of hope, light, life and motivation. By the time evening hits, I’m drained and not the normal person way. I feel trapped in my own head, unable to escape overwhelming emotions. I feel bad that Rick has to deal with me this way, I really do. It’s paralyzing in a way.
Lately, I’ve been feeling insatiable in the evenings. I want to eat the whole kitchen. Even as I write that, I realize that’s an unhealthy way to frame it. I’m a little terrified of succumbing to a full on binge. It’s been YEARS…years! — since I’ve truly binged. I do not want to get back on that path. But even without binging, I overeat almost every night. The truth? I bought some “light” popcorn so I can eat an entire bag and fulfill my desire to be eating without a million calories. Last night, after dinner, I ate 2 full bags of popcorn! Even if I’m eating air, it’s trying to “fill up” something else in my heart and it doesn’t feel good at the end. It’s not about the food or the calories at all, it’s just a coping mechanism that feels impossible to escape.
Anyway, I’m taking time off even from yoga right now because my back is really acting up. It’s hard to swallow that I can’t do anything. I wish I was glad I had an excuse to “be lazy” but I’m not.
The truth is — I’m feeling like a spoiled brat. I have been keeping up with Kara from Mundane Faithfulness — she’s 38 years old, dying of cancer and writing about it everyday for the rest of us to read. All she wants is more time to be here on earth with her husband and four children — and she’s not going to get that. I’m the one that gets that — the whole rest of my life to have my family and all the wonderful things that life entails. Kara says here:
“I feel like I’m a little girl at a party whose Dad’s asking her to leave early, and I’m throwing a fit. I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to go.”
It’s stuff like this that just turns me completely upside down with emotion. I’ve learned in therapy in the past (seriously need to get back to a therapist these days…), that saying you “should” be one way or another is not helpful. You ARE where you ARE. You can make choices to change but saying “should” is worthless.
The quote I posted at the top of this post is just a reminder to me that even the smallest choices we make to do what’s BEST for us, even when it feels so so so so so hard, can be what really puts on the path something far greater. I write it, but will I do it when the evening comes? I can only keep trying.
Wanted to share with you my new glasses from Firmoo. I got an email from them recently asking if I’d like to try the glasses out and of course, I was curious. I don’t need glasses so I ordered non-prescription cause you know, glasses are quite the fashion accessory these days! They have all kinds of cool frames — check ’em out!