So many of my new favorite bloggers take the conversational approach — the honest approach — the blogging so I’d like to do that today. I’ll be experimenting a bit in the upcoming weeks — to find what works for me so hang in there with me while I work out the kinks.
I posted the photo above because it makes me happy. When you are feeling anxious, thinking of something funny and happy is definitely helpful. This one is from just before my sister’s (in pink) wedding.
Today’s a little long winded but I feel like my new friends are a community for me to speak to and so…here it goes.
Read this post below the fold!
After reading several other blogs today, I’ve realized how often the comparison game can come into play in this world. This goes back to “The Numbers Game” panel that featured Tina, Beth, Lisa and Janetha. I’ve also noticed a significant number of healthy living bloggers who have overcome eating disorders in the past, including myself. There are vegans and vegetarians and flexitarians and body builders and runners and swimmers and yogis. We are all different — different sizes, different interests, different abilities and different taste buds and beliefs!
But today, the comparison game hit me. I’ve been a bit of a compulsive exerciser for years now. It’s always been a semi-unhealthy relationship, until rather recently. Even now, I struggle with the compulsive. Today is one of those days. Saturday morning I ran a good 15 miles so I took a day off yesterday — no hard feelings. But today is Monday. And Mondays are always started off better with a workout. It kicks things off in the right direction. But this morning, I slept. I just didn’t get up and figured the workout would happen after work. This is not something I do often — mostly because its easy to just not do it.
Well, that’s happening now. It’s the end of the day and I still have some loose ends to tie up with personal stuff. For one, I want to start an account on Mint.com, which several ladies mentioned to me this weekend. Two, I’d like to do a little blogwork since I’m totally inspired from this weekend. Three, working out will get me home superlate and hardly leave any time for the evening with Rick. Four, I need to stop by the store to get groceries. And, in the back of my mind, I’m thinking about how I have to get up super early tomorrow to run 10 miles before work for marathon training (that’s already stressing me out!)
There’s a lot happening here. One, I’m not giving myself the option of a short, 30-minute workout. I’m sort of all or nothing like that. Two, I’m thinking about all the girls I saw tweeting and writing about working out this morning. I’m not going to lie — I was noticing how people looking in comparison to their “online selves” this weekend. Some of it was not what I expected. I definitely saw a few unhealthy thin figures as well — which mostly just made me sad because I know what it’s like to be trapped there. I also feel like I’m being “lazy.” Two days in a row without a workout is something I try to avoid but that’s going to be the case today.
What’s the consensus? I’ve decided I’m NOT going to work out. I didn’t get as much done at work today as I’d hoped so I’m closing out a few things. That will make me feel good. I am spending time doing worthwhile personal tasks that will relieve anxiety tomorrow. That will make me feel good. I know the only reason I’d truly work out at this point from being compulsive. I know I’d be doing it in case I eat too much for dinner and too allow myself to eat without discipline. I hear my old counselor in my head, her rationale voice feeding me the words that are necessary.
“Ericka, you ran 15 miles on Saturday. It’s more than okay to take two days off.”
And it is. Writing it out helps me and though I am feeling anxious about dinner, at least I’m recognizing that. My eating disorder has been mostly gone for several years but the thoughts never disappear. Right now I’m worried I will eat too much, that I will not be satisfied until I’ve had more than is necessary. Because I’m not working out, this feeling is intensified. However, I will listen to the rationale voice, fill my stomach with good things that give me nutrients and that taste good. These things will make me happy and all will be okay.